If you told me a year ago that I would be writing a serious, honest review of a Burger King jingle album, I would’ve called you crazy.

But here we are.

Let me preface this: this “album” barely even qualifies as an album. In fact, all it really is is a collection of jingles used in Burger King advertisements. However, I am a critic above all else, so I shall review this album like any other album. My review? As an album, this is bad. Really bad. 

For starters, every single jingle on this album has the exact same instrumental and the exact same melody and flow. This repetition makes for an absolutely abysmal listening experience that makes the album’s six-minute runtime feel hours long. 

Not to mention the album’s vocalist, who is unknown, is not very good at singing. Their monotone voice does nothing to make the listening experience any less aggravating. However, I do applaud them for encapsulating the lifelessness of modern American capitalism, which is undoubtedly responsible for this album.

What’s worse is that each of the jingles on the album plays at least twice over the course of their respective songs. Most of the jingles play three times, with the occasional fourth repetition being heard on songs like “Double ‘Em Up.” Imagine watching football on TV and seeing one of these advertisements during a break, but the broadcasting system glitches and accidentally plays the commercial again. And again. AND AGAIN. That’s what it feels like listening to this album.

What this album lacks in literally everything else is not made up for by the lyricism. The songs on this album were, of course, made to be Burger King advertisements, so the lyrics consist of annoying repetition of various menu items, as well as some half-baked sentences that attempt to seduce you into buying Burger King. The worst part? They work.

Yes, you heard me right: the jingles work. If there’s one thing I can give this album credit for, it’s the fact that the songs are complete earworms, which makes for very effective marketing. I was listening to this album in school during 4th period, the last period before my lunch block, and it made me want to get Burger King after class. I hate how effective it is.

If I absolutely HAD to choose a favorite song on this album, it would probably be the album’s intro track, “Chicken Chicken,” only due to the fact that it is the least repetitive song. In contrast, “The Original Chicken,” the album’s outro track, is my least favorite song on the album. The vocalist attempts to use a more creative vocabulary but ultimately ends up falling flat on their face.

Overall, as an advertisement, I would say You Rule. Jingles is actually pretty effective. The songs easily get stuck in one’s head and stay in there. However, as a body of music, this album is horrible. You probably already figured that listening to an album of Burger King Jingles would be ridiculous, but in case you didn’t, here’s your sign: don’t. One star out of ten.